The last piece

I heard through the grape vine today the real reason I lost my last job.

And it’s not really all it’s cracked up to be – the information. I mean sure, I have my closure. I can fall asleep tonight knowing for sure that they didn’t tell me the truth, that they lied to me. But at the same time, it kind of opens the wound back up. They lied to me. Really? How professional.

I guess I sort of knew all along, I’m not stupid and the writing was pretty much on the wall. But, still. It hurts. And I still, six months later, I find myself questioning why they didn’t just tell me the truth. I can’t fathom that they’d have that much to lose.

I think if they would have just been honest I could have walked away with at least a small bit of respect for the people and the organization that I used to work for. I could better understand their actions on that horrible day. I could respect that it was hard for them to do what they did to me. Or maybe it wasn’t.

In other news, things at the new gig are going well. Today was my first day where I was actually swamped with work. I even created a spot for my upcoming jobs to be stacked at my desk, which is good. I like busy. I’m writing a lot, communicating a lot and think my co-workers are pretty dang cool, although I do find myself more cautious than I did when I first started my old job. I think it’s a protecting myself mechanism, which I hope will eventually subside.

It’s a long weekend this weekend and I’m excited. I don’t care how long you are unemployed for, once you’re back to work, reality sets in – weekends still feel fantastic. As do long weekends.

August 17

I hear her in my voice and see her when I look in the mirror.

She’s the first person who ever loved me, who ever yelled at me, who ever thought I was beautiful. She’s my biggest cheerleader, critic and one of my very best friends. She’s kind, sweet, sensitive and supportive.

August 17, 2009. It feels like a pretty lucky day. Not only did I begin the newest venture in my life, but it’s also the birthday of my favorite woman in the world – my mama.

My step dad called the other week to invite me to an out of town birthday celebration, which took place over the weekend for my mom. We went, of course. When he called to tell me of the celebration, he also congratulated me on my new job and told me something that pulled on my heart strings, something that stuck with me.

“When you cry, your mother does. And when you celebrate, we do.”

And I guess it’s just that – knowing that there will always be someone to cry on my behalf makes me know I have a pretty cool mom. And I hope year 49  is pretty dang kick ass for her. Not only does she deserve it, but we deserve it – a year of firsts, and new challenges and ventures and surprises. Because as it turns out, I don’t just have a mom who cries on my behalf – I also have a mom who laughs and loves and experiences on my behalf – and I want this year to be filled with happy. Happy for her, happy for me.

So today, I’m wishing my mom – my favorite lady, confidant, friend, soul sister, secret keeper, and so much more – a very happy and healthy year. I love you.

Day 1

It’s funny how just one day takes me right back to where I left off all those weeks ago the night before I lost my job – a place where life was safe and secure.

I met Jeff in the driveway after work this evening with my dog’s leash in hand. We futzed to throw dinner together – chicken Parmesan – in the kitchen, together. And then I found my spot on the couch – I’m exhausted – while my love cleaned up the kitchen. The dishwasher is now humming, the Brewers game on, I’m catching up on e-mails and Google Reading, and Jeff’s asking Jack “what are you doing?” Oh, you know, the usual, stealing your shoe.

Just one day takes me back to the way we were. Back to normal. Jeff’s likely relieved that I don’t have nearly as much to talk about as I did on those days I spent alone in our condo. I spent my day with intellectual professionals. I talked to adults. And while I fully enjoy conversation with my Beagle, it’s just not the same as using my skills as a communicator.

Today I signed up for my retirement plan, I picked out my insurance, learned about my tuition reimbursment options and how I get into the fitness centers (for free!). I shook hands with adults and proudly said my first name, next to my last name, followed by a job title I’m really proud of.

Day 1 down. A whole career to go.

The night before

I’m not going to lie, I am a little nervous about going to work being away from the house for a whole 8 hours . I mean, I did get used to sitting on my ass all day.

Here are some of the things that are gonna be tough:

– Leaving my dog. I fell like he’s used to going outside every two hours and I’ve only asked Jeff 1,000 times if he will come home at lunch time to make sure he is OK.

– My Google Reader is going to be out of control by the time I get home from work. Ohhh Emm Geee. I cannot even imagine how many things I’m going to have to read.

– No time at the pool, staying in my jammies until 10, or watching bad soap operas. (OK, the last one I probably won’t actually miss.)

– Coffee consumption worries me. My roots are from a newsroom, a place where more coffee than you could ever imagine is drank. And I’m just worried that there might not be a coffee pot.

– Wearing hosiery seems odd. And old lady-ish. But it’s one of the rules. Fortunately, I never wore any of that at home. “Maybe they just mean you have to wear underwear,” Jeff says to me the other night while discussing this. Oh lord, I hope they don’t have to specify that.

– Comparing this job to my old one. Yeah, the one that broke my heart. I was ironing clothes tonight and there was a particular shirt I wanted to wear, but then I remembered that I wore that on the first day of my old job. Seems like bad juju.

– The map seems confusing. And I’m worried I will not be able to figure out where to park, or where to go. And being late is about the worst thing that could ever happen to me.

But in general, I’m excited. I guarantee I will get about 30 seconds of sleep tonight. I feel like a little kid who is starting her first day of school tomorrow.

The coffee pot timer is set, all my clothes are ironed, my nails are filed and I have snacks to throw into my big girl bag in the morning. Plus, I filed for my LAST week of unemployment this evening. This is it – a brand new journey.

Official

So, I’ve finally started telling people, which I guess means I should just say it outloud – I start my new job on Monday!

Weeeeee! On Monday morning, I report to work. Meaning, I will get dressed, and put on make up, and pack a lunch and leave the house to do an actual job that sends me an actual paycheck, that takes out actual taxes so I am not screwed at the end of the year.

And what this all really means is: Today is my LAST DAY of unemployment. And I guess it’s fair to say that I now feel like less of a loser than I have for the last 19 weeks. 19.

What I’ve learned is that finding a job is a numbers game. True story. I went back and I counted all the jobs I applied for. The disturbing verdict is in. FIFTY SEVEN JOBS. 57, people. That’s a lot. So, I applied for 57 jobs, had about 10-12 interviews total, was a finalist for three, and got ONE. I guess that means I should offer all the rest of the unemployment folk out there some words of inspiration. And so I will:

Apply for as many jobs as you can. Even if you don’t want them. Even if they are outside of the geographic area you are willing to move out of. Even if the pay is too low and you’d never consider selling your soul to work for said open job. Just do it. Every interview is really good experience. And this coming from a girl who used to spend her life doing interviews is good advice. You need to become well versed in all the boring interview questions like: describe yourself in five words, tell me about a time when you failed, what’s your biggest accomplishment, etc., etc. etc. Once in an interview I was given a paper cup and asked what I could do with it besides drink. I am not telling a lie. Doing an interview is about showing the best you. And sometimes the best you isn’t right at the surface. I know I’m a good talker, I’m good at thinking on my feet and coming up with responses, but practice never hurt anyone. And that’s why I tell you – the job seeker – to apply for as many jobs as possible. Because when you get to the one job you actually want, you don’t want a so-so interview to stand in your way.

If you are female, buy a pencil skirt and a good bra that fits you right. These purchases are two fold. First, only woman will notice what you’re wearing, and they’ll notice you look really good. And if you’re interviewing with a man – you’ll feel good, which is equally important.

Send hand written thank you cards through the mail. Yes, old school style. I know everyone loves someone well versed in e-mail. But seriously, who isn’t well versed in e-mail these days? For every interview I went on, I sent a card. I went through packs of thank you cards (mostly because I’d spell a word wrong and have to start over, but STILL, people). When companies call you back for a second interview, scope out what they have kept on file regarding you and I swear to you those thank you cards will be in that file. So important, my friends.

Don’t be afraid to ask hard questions and put the screws to them about the position. Not only is it about them liking you, but it’s also about you liking the position. Even in a crappy economic time, remember how important that is. It’s you who is going to have to show up every day and if you have no interest in the position (even if it pays really well) it’s probably not worth it or the job for you.

Smile.

Don’t be afraid to express how much you want the job. I did this every single time they called me back for an interview for my new job. I made sure it was the last thing I said. I looked every person on my new team in the eye and made them know I wanted the job. I figure, if I’m up against someone with the exact same qualifications and I show that not only will I do a kick ass job at this job, but that I also WANT it, they’ll pick me. Why wouldn’t that give me the upper hand?

Ask for a timeline and follow up when it takes too long. Seriously. Pick up the dang phone and ask if there is anything else they need from you. If you’re afraid to call, you’ll likely be afraid to do your job. So just do it.

Be professional. Gather a good list of references, they matter and keep everyone in your network posted frequently on your job status – you want people out there rooting and cheer leading for you. Unemployed people have nothing to lose so it doesn’t matter who knows that you need a job.

I wish you this – good luck. I think 19 weeks is a really long time but I realize some people have been out of work for way longer – a year, more.

Some minutes my sanity was lost. Some days I just cried. Sometimes I just gave up and acted like I didn’t care. Sometimes I shopped or had cocktails with friends like I had a job. But in the end, I’m a different person. And only because stuff is looking up can I say this part: In the end, I’m way better off. I didn’t need that old job, anyway. Nor, did I love it. (Again, I can only say that because of all the newness on the horizon. That, and I’m still a little bitter).

Losing your job is absolutely heart breaking. It hurts like a break up (times 10 on some days). Allow yourself to go through the motions – hate, bitterness, anger, etc. And then, do as much as you can to learn. And move forward.

What is next

I know I should be writing more.

About the conclusion of this journey that started 19 very long weeks ago. About the journey that ripped me apart and forced me to put myself back together. About the journey that’s forced me to persevere, and see the bright side even when it didn’t seem like there was one. I know I should. I’ll want to look back and read about this someday. About all the things I’ve learned and all the character that has been built. I’ll want to dissect who I was and who I’ve become and what losing your job really does to you. I know that someday I’ll want to remember each and every person and word and thought that really got me through because some days it was just short of a miracle.

But I’m not. I’m not going to write about it in detail. I’m not going to give the world all the details. Especially because for weeks people have found my blog is by searching “mwgirl wordpress blog” and “everything but the kitchen sink blog” on a very frequent basis. I’m paranoid, OK.

This time around, it’s going to be different. I’ve told myself that from the very beginning. I’m going to be different. I’m going to be stronger and more confident and more expressive in situations where it’s needed most. I’m going to start this with a new found sense of professionalism and I think I’m also going to, in some senses, keep my mouth shut a little more. It’s not everyone’s business. This, this new step, is my thing. And there is something that’s sacred about it to me – I’ve worked really hard for this. Really. Hard.

A lot of what I’ve learned is really personal. I’ve had a lot of couch time, which equates to a lot of time to think about the person I was and shape the person I want to be – the person I am now beginning this new venture as.

Baby Shower

Isn’t she stunning? Yep, she is. Which is exactly the kind of mama she’s going to be.

Today – her baby shower – made the anticipation worse. I absolutely cannot wait for her little girl to be here.

Before I met you…

I never…

…owned a baby dog.

…rocked out at a Widespread Panic, Bob Dylan or a Waterfest show.

…danced. Like for real, not slow-style.

…ate a radish.

…played poker or cribbage.

…drank entire pots of coffee, grocery shopped for one meal at a time, drank (that much) beer that actually tasted good.

…slept with my back to the door, which is a sure sign I feel much safer now.

…this realistically considered spending the rest of my life with the same individual.

…co-owned large items like cars and condos and overpriced electric service bills. Oh and washers and dryers.

…took the same boyfriend home for four Christmases in a row.

…considered someone not biologically related to me my family. It’s me, you and Jack, baby. And I love it just like that.

…knew about the controversy of Bob Dylan switching to electric, the exact date of Jerry Garcia’s last show and countless other trivial things I’ll probably never need (unless we’re on a game show) to know about jam band (and classic rock-ish) music and history.

…attended a concert not wearing a bra.

…folded and put away all of someone’s laundry, lived with a boy or watched sitcoms in the form of cartoons.

…slept with my hair in a pony tail (so it doesn’t tickle your nose) or without 87,000 blankets (you are a heater).

…carried a camera with me nearly every where I go.

…stood up for myself this much, spoke my mind as loudly or was as outspoken. (That could also have something to do with my age, but so what).

…talked so much or laughed so hard.

…had anyone to talk about current events everysingleday with.

…was this vulnerable, this true, this real, or this in love.

I jacked this idea from She Like Purple.

Driving stick

I vividly remember the day I learned to drive a stick shift car.

With my best friend in tow (who did not know a thing about driving stick) as my co-pilot, we headed out to “practice” in our suburban town. We must have rolled down that hill on Green Road backwards about 10 times before finally getting it right. Besides all the rolling down the hill, there was stalling and swearing and OMGs before OMG even existed. But mostly there was laughter. I think we nearly peed in our pants right there in my Toyota Tercell (aka The GoCart, The Tin Mobile and Manda’s Trusty, among others) that day. As an aside, we had a ginormous plan that we would paint lady bugs on said ghetto car; thank God we never followed through with that one.

Still, when I think about that day, and that silver car, I laugh my butt off. It’s a really good memory for me. And as it turns out, I would eventually teach all of my friends to drive stick in that little junker of a car. A junker of a car that, by the way, got me wherever I needed to go for $10 tanks of gas for a couple years of my life. I loved that car. And that’s likely an understatement.

Today on my way to the grocery store there were two young girls in a Hyundai in front of me. They were probably about the same age as Tina and I were when we were learning to drive stick. And by we, I of course mean me, she still doesn’t drive stick.  It was clear that the girl driving was doing just that – learning. She stalled at least three times at the stop light. Of course cars were beeping and people were passing and giving her the finger, which made me angry because hello, can you not tell she’s just learning? People don’t just drive around and stall out at stop lights for fun. For serious, the only way to learn is to go out on the road and do it. You’re going to stall sometimes. So instead of passing her, I just stayed behind her and waited patiently. I watched the girl check her rear view mirror every three seconds frantically. With that, I simply smiled. If she was going to have some person on her ass while trying to get through this stop light, it was going to me, at least I could smile. Maybe become a part of her story about “the day she learned to drive stick.”

The girls eventually made it through the light, safely even. ThankyouholyJesus. (I did not want to have to be the witness to an accident.) And then we all went through the whole ordeal again as she tried to get into the grocery store parking lot a half a block up the road. Upon entering she did exactly what I’m sure Tina and I did at 16. She pulled into a spot and just waited, collected her bearings I’m sure, and laughed with her friend. Meanwhile I gave her a thumbs up and shot her a smile. She smiled back. A minute later, she departed, for more practice, I assume.

Just like all things in life, she’ll get it. It’ll just take a little time and practice but eventually she’ll get it. And I hope she has a lot of fun getting it out there with her best friend today. Because watching her and her friend pretty much made my day.

Yes or no, yes or no, yes or no

I have no way of knowing how this week (well, hopefully this week) is going to turn out. The answer is going to be yes or no. I’m going to end up with that (dream) job, or I’m not.

But either way, and the hardest part, is that I have to continue to move forward. I have to apply for my two jobs, I have to file my unemployment claim, I’ll likely even have to send out an e-mail and ask for another freelance story. I cannot act like I have this job. But gosh, I’m going to be sad if I don’t.

However, today the temperature is going to be 80 plus. There are airplanes making their way across the sky in my city and for the first time in four years I’m not out there writing stories about it for the daily newspaper (makes me a little sad). So today, I’m going to be a little bit spontaneous and blow off the responsibilities of my life. I’m going to sit by the pool and read a magazine and maybe even drink something alcoholic between the hours of noon and 3 p.m. Because even though I know I’m walking a very thin line between yes and no, the answer could be yes. And that could mean that this is one of my very last weeks without a job.

(Keep sending those prayers, I appreciate every last one. TIA.)