One month from yesterday

In less than a month (one day less), Jeff and I will have been together for four years. FOUR YEARS.

I met him when I was in the last month of my 21-year-old self. I was on some kind of high because I was about to start my first real big kid job, and it was in my line of work. Truth be told, the night we met, two days before I started that job, he discouraged me. He told me to pack up my things and head back to where I came from running quickly. (Maybe it should have been a sign of things to come in this failing newspaper industry.)  I didn’t. I started my job the next Monday, with a desk right next to his, even. I was so nervous that I would send him my stories to read over before handing them into my editor. I still can’t explain how I could trust him so much, but I did really early on. He gave me constructive criticism and told me that my leads sucked. Sometimes he’d nearly re-write the whole thing. Clearly, I wasn’t good at what I did, yet.

Jeff worked the day shift and got off work around 5 p.m. My day started at 1 p.m. As a new couple, this was hard because all we wanted to do was be with each other. Most nights I’d take my lunch break as he was leaving work and we’d eat dinner together. We never really decided during those almost nightly dinners that we were a couple, it just sort of happened. One night of a sleep over turned into four years later and here we are. I love that guy. And I’m pretty sure I was the one to say those three words first. I sometimes feel sad that I don’t remember the exact moment. But I guess, relationships aren’t about the first time, they are about everything that follows.

Our four years together have not been easy, as I’ve said before. We’ve grown so much as individuals and as a couple to get to where we are today. I know every couple goes through it, but sometimes I think we went through it more – there were days and times where I don’t think I wanted our relationship to continue, where I don’t think he did and where our relationship really shouldn’t have. Our priorities were not always straight, it was not an easy road getting to four years. Jeff was damaged, I was young and during much of our relationship we were not on the same page – I wanted to be married instantly, he didn’t, etc.

Throughout the last month a lot of people have told me that everything happens for a reason. While I’ve always lived my life with that cliche in the back of my head, it’s proved to be true during all of this. It’s not like I didn’t always know that I’d ‘end up’ with Jeff. I mean, I always pictured us married, with a house and two dogs in the back yard, but I can’t say it felt real. Until now.

In the last month our relationship has grown to a new level. I don’t think ever in our relationship before did I realize that I really need him. I didn’t admit that to myself or to him. I think Jeff is the kind of guy who needs to be needed, he needs to feel like he’s taking care of things, in this case, me. And he is. I know all people say it when their life turns tragic, “I couldn’t do this without you.” But really, I couldn’t have done this without him. I know that now.

And I think this new found level of respect I know I have for him comes from a lot of things. It stems of course from the fact that at the end of the day he’s obviously willing to step up to the plate, make sacrifices for me and our relationship and pay the bills all while reminding me that I should go out and have that beer with my girlfriends because it’s good for my emotional health. Jeff has watched me cry and even though he’s not traditionally a hugger, he’s hugged me every single time. He’s been there to hold me during minutes I honestly didn’t think I was going to make it through. He’s made me laugh.  He’s encouraging and optimistic and is even encouraging me to chase a new dream and head to grad school in the fall so that I can find a new path, a new dream and get that same high I had on the first night I met him.

After four years with Jeff, I don’t know how to define love anymore. It’s so much different than I thought it would be. It’s not rainbows and butterflies every day, or even most of the time. It’s a choice to stick together, even when we’re up to bat in the final inning and no one is on the bases and we need four runs to win the game. (Jeffy, that was my baseball analogy, just for you. See all the things I’ve learned?) Even when it feels like all the cards are stacked against us, even when it seems like getting through the day is impossible and tomorrow is so far away, we have each other. I have never felt a sense of security like I feel it now. I have begged and pleaded with this man more times than I’m proud to admit that I needed a ring on my finger to make me feel secure, so that I could know he’d never leave me. A ring doesn’t do that I’ve learned during all of this. And if you know me, that’s HUGE for me to admit.

As we approach this four year mark, I’m glad we’ve waited it out. I’m glad we’ve went through the shit and tears. I’m thankful that either of us didn’t ever give up. I’m thankful to have Jeff and his love, care and support. For as long as I live, I don’t think I’ll ever forget what happened to us during all of this, and I think it will always make me a little bit thankful that I lost my job. So there.