Nothing like a broken spirit

My dog literally could not wag his tail for about 20 of the last 24 hours.

And I don’t know if you know, but I’m kind of obsessed with my dog. I’d do anything for his cute face. So when something is not right in his world it pretty much turns into a nervous break down in our house. There is crying and yelling and snotting. I’ll let you guess which one of the two of us humans in our household act in that matter.

So when my dog suddenly could not move his tail (AT ALL), a little freak out happened. I mean, why can’t my dog move his tail? So I consulted Google, which told me he had one of the following conditions: cancer, wet tail, anus gland issues, a sprained tail, a broken tail or a paralyzed spine. OH. GOOD.

We waited until morning and then called the vet. I should note, we are like WAY OVER on Jack’s vaccinations so a phone call to the vet equaled a lot of pride swallowing. Twenty minutes later, we were dropping Jack off at the vet. Yep, you heard me correctly: We had to leave him there. I cried all the way home and pretty much until we got the phone call telling us not to worry. It was in fact his anal glands, which had to be expressed. (Hot, hey?) They sent him home with antibiotics and hopefully his tail will be fully moving around again soon.

 

 

Current status: fulfilled

More than at any other time in my life, I’m living in the right now.

I am happy with things, maybe that’s why.

My new job is excruciatingly busy. I do a lot of work every day. I was just trying to explain to Jeff just how much work I do every day and I couldn’t even capture it. It’s just busy. And I love it. Days fly by. Like, one second it’s 7:30 a.m. and the next it’s 3:45 p.m. and I haven’t had lunch, just 17 cups of coffee.  And in all honesty, the amount of coffee I drink during any given day could have a lot to do with this sense of fulfillment I’ve been experiencing. I love coffee.

I came home this afternoon to a spotless kitchen, a vacuumed floor and a boyfriend who bragged because he was brave enough to open the container that held the month-old deviled eggs. I love that man. We’re on a level playing field again – both with jobs and our own lives – which means I can’t be the sole housework doer, which means I’m so delighted that he finally gets that INEEDHELPAROUNDTHEHOUSE. Sorry for the all caps, it’s just so very true.

My best friend’s baby is here. And if I haven’t already stressed just how happy I am that she’s out of the hospital and everyone’s healthy, let me take the moment now: I’m happy. The beginning of life is a beautiful thing and I don’t think anyone really stops to think about that enough. It’s got me thinkin’. And no I am not pregnant, thanks for asking thinking it.

I’m on this new committee that I care about. And I get to write stuff and interview people and it’s for a good cause. For so long as a reporter I had the intense urge to be involved in my community and with that kind of job, you just cannot. It’s too easy to develop strong relationships and be partial to organizations you care about if you are involved so it’s easier to draw the line before it happens. But when you’re a reporter the nature of your job is to learn about things – one of the greatest jobs ever, learning – and when you learn about things you become interested and impacted. Except, when you’re a reporter you tell other people’s stories and you do as little as possible to stand out and create your own stories. So anyway, getting to give of myself and publically care and speak out about things is about the greatest thing ever right now. I soak up fundraising events and situations where I can talk about a cause or an organization that I just believe in.

I’m starting a yoga class next week. Just a little sumthin sumthin to keep the ol waist line under control during this holiday season. Plus, people at my work are good bakers and I’ve been eating way too many sweets lately. I must stop.

I finally broke down and ordered philosophy’s skin care for congested skin. It comes with great word-of-mouth and online reviews. You guys, I’m cheap. I’ve never spent $78 on face wash and lotion in my life.  It should be here tomorrow, the tracking tells me. I’m ready for a miracle. Plus, I might MIGHT go out on a limb and get highlights in my hair. Something caramel colored, perhaps. If I don’t chicken out.

She’s here

My best friend had her very precious little girl this week.

Aubrie Kendall is her sweet little name. She was 7 lbs, 7 ounces and 20 inches long.

I went to meet her the day after she was born and oh my was she ever a little peanut. I mean, I know babies are little but I always forget how little until I hold a newborn. Just teeny tiny. I love her already.

Even after 12 plus long hard hours of labor and just a few hours of sleep afterward, Tina looked amazing. Stunning, even. Definitely proud to be a new mom.

Everyone is home from the hospital now. Everyone’s healthy, and sleeping and eating and moving around, which honestly is the (selfish) part I needed to happen after all of this labor and delivery stuff. I’m glad everyone is back to their nonhospitalized self because I worried way too much for my own good in between the first “Mandaaa, I’m at the hospital and in labor” phone call and the “she’s here!” phone call. I cried so much worrying my little mind off during those 12 hours that it was ridiculous. And is probably now what Tina will go through WITH A CHILD for the rest of her life. I’m not ready for that kind of worry, yet.

But Tina is going to be fantastic.  And I’m so excited for Tina and Mark. Can’t-put-into-words-excited.

About that baby

My best friend is due to have her first child any time now.  And with that on the horizon, I thought it was only appropriate to write the baby a letter – since I don’t have children of my own to write blog letters to – since I just can’t wait to meet her.

Dear Baby Girl,

There are a few things I think you should know about your mom – woman to woman – if you’re going to get through this whole thing called life with her. Having known your mama for a very long time, I think you should tuck these pieces of knowledge under your mattress and refer to them after you’ve slammed your bedroom door in her face. OK, maybe that won’t happen for another 10 years, but still.

First, your mama needs sleep. She likes to be in bed by 8 p.m. When I lived with your mama during college, we were probably the dorkiest girls on our floor. We were in bed early nearly every night and if we did go out, we talked about how we’d rather be sleeping. It’s OK, you don’t have to aspire to be as cool as we were in college.

Your mama is one of the most stubborn people I’ve ever met. When she needs time to cool off, give it to her. That is not the time to request a diaper change, a car when you turn 16 or an extended curfew. Walk away, give her 10 minutes and all will be right in the world again.

She’s a picky eater. And that’s why you have me. Anytime you’d like to go out for sushi, or things that include vegetables, or ethnic foods, just call me. Do not collect $200, do not pass Go, call me. One time I made your mom eat a piece of okra, I think she almost lost her life that day. She also once ate a booger-flavored jelly bean, but that’s neither here nor there.

Your mother is one of the most reasonable and fair people I’ve ever met. This will probably work for and against you in your lifetime, but just try to remember that. She’s the kind of woman who would never do anything to hurt anyone intentionally, she’s a good listener, good at helping you weigh your options and a good friend. I hope during days of frustration you will remember that a wise adult (ME!) once said those things about your mom.

Your parents have been in love every second of their lives together. I remember when your mom and dad met – a random “I need a roommate” turned into the rest of their lives. Your mom was just so delighted with everything about your father from the second she knew she liked him. She would talk about how he was good looking and smart and a little shy, but sweet – and she was right. She picked the perfect man to complete her. She picked a good guy to be your dad.

There are going to be ups and downs, good days and bad ones, surprises and letdowns, but at the end of the day I hope you know that you have good parents, parents who are so excited about you coming into their lives.

I was just at your house last weekend – a few weeks before you will arrive – and watching your parents anticipate your arrival was very heart touching. You will be very lucky to spend your life with them. And them with you.

Really, all that’s left is a safe arrival into this big world. We’re all rooting for you. Go easy on that mama of yours, I love her.

Love,

Your mom’s BFF

First date

I went on a (blind) first date last night.

And it was just like every first date I’ve ever been on. There’s little eye contact and much wine drinking. Small talk about work and the past and where you’ve been. But, unlike most blind first dates I’ve been on in my life, it ended really well. We even followed up with “lets do it again” e-mails and the exchanging of phone numbers this morning. And truthfully, it probably ended so well because she was a chick and super fly and I could use another friend.

There’s a new girl in town whom I met via Twitter. Last night we met up for all night happy hour, which included talk of face products and our parents being on Facebook and apartments with character. And we’re going to do it again soon, which is good. I remember what it was like to be new to this town and some days it was just not easy and it’s good to know you have a friend in your corner.

It’s cool the way meeting new friends work. And the truth is, it’s much like dating. Even the part where you usually know in the first 20 minutes or so whether this time you’re spending with this complete stranger is going to be worth it. Turns out, last night’s wine was much-needed by both of us. As was the friendship.

Yep

“I’ve decided I’m just not doing anything anymore. I’m just going to wait until someone else does it for me,” he said with a smile.

“So, you’re just going to start applying your household strategy to the rest of your life?” I reply.

“Yep.”

Dads and Daughters

The thing about dads and daughters is they don’t always agree.

The long and the short of it is this: My dad married a woman just a handful of years older than me about a year ago and I obviously do not have an easy time with that. In fact, I’ve never breached the subject here. Until now.

So, my dad and I had a big blowout tonight that actually stemmed from a blow up that happened more than two weeks ago, which truthfully was very long over due. I finally, after way too long, told him all the things I should have said two years ago and never did. Truth is, I don’t feel much better.

I don’t know exactly what I want out of this situation. I mean, I don’t want them to get a divorce, I don’t wish that on anyone. I just don’t like the situation. And I don’t know if that’s ever going to go away. Further, I question how happy he is and can’t quite understand why when he talks about her defends what I know he thinks are negative attributes of her character.

I dated a guy once who was really shy. And I did the same thing. I’d make excuses for him and tell people about how chatty he was when it was just us two. But the truth was, I said all of those things to defend his shyness – his character – because I wanted it to be OK with me. Deep down I knew I could not make it work forever with someone who couldn’t hold their own in a group of my friends.

The thing is, I don’t even know this woman. I really have nothing against her. She doesn’t talk much and is the polar opposite of me. I find it hard to believe we could ever really find middle ground. Really, the only thing we have in common is that we both love my dad. And that we’re both young enough to be his daughter. Again, besides the point and admittedly slightly mean.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I guess I just needed to vent. I hung up the phone crying and now two hours later my puffy face and headache is reminding me that even though I said a lot, the conversation was not productive. Nothing is going to change. I’m going to wake up tomorrow and my dad is still going to be married to a woman young enough to be my sibling. I’m still going to be his daughter who falls second to that.

Let’s talk about my nasty face

Seriously you guys. Or shall I say gals?

I have acne. Full blown. Zits all over my face.

Even when I was a teenager, I never really went through a horribly broken out face stage. Obviously this is payback. And it is a mother effing bitch. (Excuse me).

I can seriously understand why acne gives people a complex. I feel like people are looking at me and it makes me hide behind my sleeve as I’m talking. It’s embarrassing.

So tonight I did what any 26-year-old who has a nasty face would do. I rubbed Salicylic Acid cream stuff all over my face. I will not tell you about the inappropriate things Jeff said it looked like. And then I washed it off and went to the store and spent $40 on face stuff that will not work as immediately as I want it to.

And that’s really enough talk about my acne face.

The new schtick

Just about everywhere we go someone asks how it’s going.

“How is the new job? Do you love it?”

And I find, this time around, it’s so much harder to just say yes, even though I do. I’m more cautious this time. I’m more guarded. I’m more reluctant to tell the whole world that I think this is going to work out really well. It’ll be a good fit. A better fit.

It was just that last time I was quick to tell everyone I knew how my new job was the greatest thing since sliced bread. And I got burned. And among other things, it made me feel like I wasn’t telling people the truth, or something. I did think it was going well, turns out I was mislead.

I’ve also noticed that I have boundaries with people, which is something I’ve never had in my life. People don’t know about my whole life story, because I don’t tell them. It almost seems silly to admit, but I’m scared to become friends with anyone I work with for fear that it is some sort of fake friendship the girls at my old job had with me.  However, I must admit that I am forming what I think is a good relationship with one of the girls who brought her family to an event Jeff and I were attending this weekend to meet up. But I guess, it’s just happening differently, this friendship we’re forming. I do a lot more listening than I probably have at the beginning of any other relationship. I listen to her talk about here life, about her family, about her experiences more than I tell her about mine. For now. I’m sure this will all change and I’ll be less reluctant to have boundaries.

It’s going well. I do like it. A lot. And even just four weeks in – at a time in our lives while we’re still playing monetary catch up – I can already look at losing my other job as a blessing in disguise. It sucked and I cried, but this job is way better. In terms of everything – ability to move up, make more money, have a retirement fund, insurance, health care, professionalism and more. And it’s so humbling how sometimes you’re just handed pure shit so you can grow and get to the good. To the better.

Back to good

As I reflect on the past couple months of my life, it’s weird to think about how quickly things just go back to normal.

We’re drinking coffee this morning from the couch, while Jeff plays video games and I catch up on blogs from my much-too-busy week. There is no way to stay on top of all the blogs I subscribe to.  I’ll clean up last night’s kitchen mess in a bit as I make breakfast, likely bacon egg and cheese biscuits. We’ll lounge around the house, take our showers and just let the lay roll by. Good and normal.

I’m enjoying the extra day we have off of work for the long holiday weekend – the last weekend of summer. I sometimes wish I could find more good in the summer of 2009, one I will likely instead remember as one of the hardest times of my life. Of our lives. I’m sure when we look back, we’re going to talk about this summer as the one where we had no money, the one where I sat on the couch and cried a lot, the one where we made our way through at least 10 Wisconsin state parks because it was the closest-to-free thing we had to do.

But it wasn’t all bad. We intend to try to revisit each of those parks again this fall, during what will hopefully be much a much more stable part of our lives. We learned how to live cheaper and just enjoy each other more.  “We learned a lot in that summer of 2009,” we’ll probably say. Most importantly we learned, really learned, that there is no way in hell we’d like to make it through this lonely and scary world without each other. And I’m OK admitting that it likely took us four plus years of being together to really learn it. To feel it in our bones and soul and the deepest places of our being. We know now. And that’s good.

I don’t think anyone really knows how their other half is going to react in times of tragedy. I truly believe that it’s one of those things you can talk about until you’re blue in the face, but no one really knows.

Without give him some sort of out-of-this-world ego, Jeff really delivered. He answered the phone in the middle of his work day to let me sob, he made financial sacrifices, he lived on the cheap right along with me. He was great. I know now how he reacts. I’ll never have to wonder or question. I know. And that is good.

Money is one of thing things we’ve never fought about. “It’s just money,” Jeff’s been known to tell me. Of course money is important, having some in the bank is nice. But, at the end of the day, your life cannot revolve around it. We had to change our way of thinking, our priorities, our ideas about where we wanted our lives to go in the immediate future. But the thing is, it’s over now. Things are heading back to good. We’re on a new track, that will eventually be the right track. We’re dreaming again, about houses and the future. We’re considering ways – and making more sacrifices, something we’re clearly now good at – and thinking of sending me back to school in the midst of all of this. We’re OK. We’re good.

I’m really proud of how far we’ve come – as people, as a couple. Lots of people told me all those months ago that I would come out of this a changed person. Completely different than where I started. They were right. And that’s good.